Enhance Your Calm

delightfullyvague:

I have yet to do a single thing in Skyrim in the proper order. I’m constantly showing up to some dude’s castle that I’ve never seen before, only to hand over a mystical item that I’d mentally scratched off as garbage hours ago, and then sit and listen to the story be retroactively explained to me:

King: Wanderer! Thank the gods you’ve come! The prophecy told us that a mighty warrior would arise, worthy of wielding Fjalnir, the God-axe, and slaying the evil Demon Prince Synraith. We believe you to be that warrior. What say you, traveler? Will you accept this task?

Me: Yea, verily I shall accept thine task and vanq- wait, Synraith? Fiery dude in a floating city? Cape made out of screeching souls? Ahhh, shit. I already killed that guy.

King: You … already slew the Demon Prince, the Knife in the Dark, the Void at the Heart of All Men, whose identity you did not learn until just now?

Me: Yup. I saw that castle floating up in the sky, and I wanted to know if I could jump up the rocks to get in the back way. It took a lot of reloads, but I finally managed to hop on up in there.

King: You “hopped on up” into the Abyssal Palace?

Me: Yeeeep, yep yep yep. Just squat-jumped on in there and looted the place. Then I killed that Sydney guy-

King: Synraith, Demon Prince of the Abyss.

Me: -yeah him. I ganked that guy. Mostly just to see if I could. Plus he looked like kind of a dick.

King: Indeed, the Foulest of the Foul was “kind of a dick.” But you vanquished him without the aid of sacred Fjalnir, the God-axe?

Me: Totally. It wasn’t even a thing. I just hid on top of a bookshelf where he couldn’t reach me and shot him with arrows. Then I waited until he forgot I was shooting him, and did it all again to get the sneak damage bonus. Took a while, but he died all the same.

King: Forsooth! Thine heroic deeds are … well, that sounds kind of fucked up, actually. Never thought I’d feel bad for He Who Devours. So you have no need of our sacred totem weapon?

Me: What, the gold dealy, with the shiny bits? Nah, I already stole that out of the display case four hours ago, before I knew who you were. I gave it to Sven, but he Quantum Leaped out of the game with that shit.

King: Huh. So. I guess … the bards will … sing of your tale now?

Me: Oh yeah? Sweet, let’s hear it.

Bard: The hero came with eyes aflame / his tasks already done / the land was rescued all the same / but ‘tis kind of a shitty song.

Me: Word.

(x)